Dear Amy: My BFF and I met in grade school.
We’ve lost touch on and off, but we always find our way back, usually when she’s losing a relationship.
The last loss was two Christmases ago, when after 10 years together her partner “Benny” called her at work, telling her: “This isn’t working anymore, I’m moving out today.”
It was rough. She had custody of her toddler grandson who she thought Benny would help her to raise.
I was there for her. She got therapy and started choosing to focus on herself, versus always needing to be with a guy.
Six months later, she met “Chris” on a dating website.
He was one of five or six guys she was seeing.
After four months, she decided she really liked him, and they became exclusive.
I’ve seen her four times since then. Now I’m lucky if I talk to her once a month.
Her birthday is coming up, so we caught up.
She told me that her daughter and the daughter’s girlfriend are taking over her house, while she will live in the basement.
They will pay the mortgage and buy the house in about a year.
She and her boyfriend are going to get out of debt, save their money, and, in a year, buy their RV.
I’m concerned because the one thing she has always had is her house.
It’s the house she grew up in.
No house, no foundation. I’ve met the guy once, and he seems to be a good guy.
She did an amazing job working on herself the past two years, but I believe she is jumping in way too quickly.
I want to know how to express my concerns. Or should I just be happy for her?
— Best Friend Forever
Dear BFF: Close, intimate, long-time friends get to tell one another the truth, as long as they also accept the possible consequences.
Sometimes, the most effective way to do this is through simple statements, followed by thoughtful questions, and listening with intent.
“Surrendering your childhood home is a huge change for you. I have to admit, I’ve been worrying about this. Have you thought it through enough? Have you considered the possible downsides?”
After you initiate a thoughtful, non-judgmental conversation and listen to her answers — then you should step back and be happy for her.
Dear Amy: My daughter, who is in her 40s, has always had a bit of a weight problem, as have I. But having to work from home during Covid resulted in her gaining even more weight. I think she is around 80 pounds overweight.
We are very close, and I am sympathetic since I have struggled with weight issues since I was a teenager. But even though I could lose 10 pounds, I am at a healthy weight and am careful to get exercise and try to eat well.
I blame myself for her weight gains, since when my kids were young, I baked a lot. My sons have never gained much weight, but sadly my daughter shares my love of all things sweet.
Any time I mention it, she tends to get annoyed; her response is always that she eats healthy and gets plenty of exercise.
I worry more about her health than about her appearance, and I value my relationship with her.
I have offered to pay for any good weight loss program, but she always says, “No thanks. I’m fine.” She did agree to have her thyroid tested, and that test was normal.
Is there any way to bring up the subject of weight with an adult child in a kind way?
— Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned: You ask if there is any way to bring up this subject kindly, and yet — you have brought this up, kindly and repeatedly.
“Is it your thyroid?” She had it tested. “Can I pay for a weight loss program?” No thank you.
She already knows she is overweight. There is literally no escaping this knowledge.
And now … you should stop. Just — stop. Love her wholeheartedly and without judgment, just as she is.
Dear Amy: “Concerned Grandma” has her knickers in a twist about her daughter letting the teen grandson drink at home.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with parents allowing this. It’s their house, their kid, and you and the other grandmas should stay out of it.
— Bud Out
Dear Bud Out: I do agree that the grandmother should not intervene, but with a history of alcoholism in their family, I also understand her concern.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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